Beginning
by TooManyWhatIfs
Summary: Adapted from S01E16, Shadow. Sam asks Dean what he plans to do when they've killed the Yellow Eyed Demon and gets a response he never thought he'd get. Wincest. The first of a 30 Day Writing Challenge.


Sam walked into the motel room lugging a very full duffel bag with him. Dean was in the process of leaving yet another message with John's voicemail. After he hung up the phone he turned to face Sam and widened his eyes,

"Jesus, what'd you get?" Dean asked and Sam laughed.

"I ransacked that trunk. Holy water, every weapon I could think of, exorcism rituals from about a half dozen religions. I'm not sure what to expect, so I guess we should just expect everything." Sam replied. Dean nodded in agreement and they both began to load their guns in silence. It was a little while before anyone said anything again and it was Dean who spoke first,

"Big night."

"Yeah, you nervous?"

"No. Why, are you?"

"No. No way." Sam assured him. They fell silent again. "God, could you imagine if we actually found that damn thing? That demon?"

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves, all right?" Dean warned. He didn't want Sammy getting his hopes up when anything could happen tonight.

"I know. I'm just sayin', what if we did? What if this whole thing was over tonight? Man, I'd sleep for a month. Go back to school—be a person again." Too late. Sam was hopeful and Dean felt like he had just been crushed.

"You wanna go back to school?" Dean asked hesitantly.

"Yeah, once we're done huntin' the thing." Dean didn't know what to think. He had thought that Sam would stay with him. He hadn't entertained the possibility that Sam would go back to school now.

"Huh." was all Dean could manage to say now.

"Why, is there somethin' wrong with that?" Sam asked defiantly.

"No. No, it's, uh, great. Good for you." Dean was being sarcastically passive-aggressive.

"I mean, what are you gonna do when it's all over?" Sam was so sure that Dean hated this life just as much as he did. Sam wanted so desperately to be normal and he thought Dean felt the same way.

"It's never gonna be over. There's gonna be others. There's always gonna be somethin' to hunt." Sam was surprised. He had been thrown into this life without a choice and had dreamed of leaving it behind for so long. But here was Dean saying, more or less, that he never wanted it to be over. Sam couldn't believe it.

"But there's got to be somethin' that you want for yourself—" he began, but Dean cut him off,

"Yeah, I don't want you to leave the second this thing's over, Sam!" Dean turned his back to Sam and walked away.

"Dude, what's your problem?"

Dean was silent for a fairly long time. He kept his back to Sam and tried to calm down his heart while he tried to form the words. The words that he shouldn't be saying to his little brother. He shouldn't do this to him and he knows he's going to feel guilty for it but he can't hold this back any longer and there there is no way he can let Sam leave him. Going to Stanford was bad enough but afer spending almost a year with Sam without their father Dean has come to realise just how much he missed Sam and how much he can't live without him anymore. He turns back to Sam and opens his mouth, he can't believe the words are coming out when they do.

"Why do you think I drag you everywhere? Huh? I mean, why do you think I came and got you at Stanford in the first place?" Dean's heart was racing. He desperately wanted Sam to understand without having to actually say it. But it didn't look like that was going to happen.

"'Cause Dad was in trouble. 'Cause you wanted to find the thing that killed Mom." Sam replied, somewhat confused.

"Yes, that, but it's more than that, man. You and me. I want us….I want us to be together again." Dean looked down at his feet. He was hoping that Sam understood now but there was another part of him that hoped that Sam would never understand so that he could finish this conversation and just go kill something.

"Dean, I'd do anything for you. But things will never be the way they were before." The way he said it told Dean that he wasn't getting it. Dean bit his lip,

"Could be." he said quietly, still not taking his eyes off his shoes.

"I don't want them to be. I'm not gonna live this life forever. Dean, when this is all over, you're gonna have to let me go my own way."

"NO, SAM!" Dean shouted and his eyes began to water as he looked up. "I can't do that. I can't lose you. Not again. Please." Sam stayed quiet. Dean's words were sinking in. He needed some time to process what he was beginning to understand. He opened his mouth. And closed it again.

Dean ran his hand over his face and turned around again. He clasped his hands behind his head as walked to the other side of the room. He eventually turned around and looked at Sam who was standing in the middle of the room, arms hanging limply by his sides and a look of utter shock on his face. The guilt hit Dean in the face. Hard. But he tried his hardest to ignore it because he couldn't lose the only thing in his life that was worth staying around for.

"I just don't know what I would do without you, Sam. Just please...just please stay. With me." Dean looked down again and his tears flowed down his face and splashed onto his boots. "I can't—" but he was cut off. Sam's mouth was on his and Sam's hands were in Dean's hair. There was once second while Dean contemplated the consequences of what was happening but he had thought about this for too long to let anything ruin it. And then he was kissing back.

The beginning was a mess of hands and tears and Dean knew the ending would be too. But how else would it happen for the Winchesters?


End file.
